I don't like (Melanie Phillips on) Mondays. Or any other day, for that matter

Aaahhh, Melanie Phillips, you of the dangly earrings, the naff granny glasses and the seriously disturbed ideas .... So who is to blame for Britain's various social crises, ranging from the rise in crime committed by girls to the sluttish attire of Mick Jagger's great-great granddaughters and the emergent drinking problem of female royalty in waiting?

Ah, of course: feminism.

So the spoilt, bored and not very intelligent sprogs of the filthy rich are bumming around semi-naked and in a constant state of inebriation out of the mistaken feminist notion of what you call "identicality" - a dangerous conflation of social equality with sexual sameness - propagated by their bra-burning mothers and grandmothers? Essentially, Peaches Geldof's problem is that she wants to be a man - and a manly man at that.

Deep, Melanie, deep.

And your solution is just as profound:

We must restore the idea that women bring unique gifts and values to the national party. Reviving the traditional family would be a start. This would make men, women and children happier - and cut crime.

Gifts and values, eh? Like: macramé? And which "national party" are you speaking about? If it's partying that you are referring to, then, clearly, the kids are alright. Any other "national party" I don't really want to think about.

Is this a bit of Pentecostal speaking in tongues, Mel P.?